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Humor: MonaVie Air

June 29, 2009

Editor’s Note: This is a work of pure fiction and is designed for humor. Don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression!

In my previous post, I believed that the next product from Dallin Larceny and MonaVie would be a sugar-free version of MonaVie Emv.

Yet, I have just been handed this top-secret document detailing the real next product to come from Mount MonaVie.

Working closely with the Black Diamond Deities, God… err… Dallin… is ready to release an amazing new supplement that will sustain you throughout the day.

You… absolutely… cannot… live… without…

MONA•VIE AIR

MonaVie Air

Here is the description of MonaVie Air:

MonaVie Air is a proprietary blend of oxygen and carbon dioxide retrieved from the forests of the Amazon and the United States. Acai berries, waiting to be harvested and turned into MonaVie juice concentrate and MonaVie Emv lovingly emit carbon dioxide and stored in our wonderful plastic MonaVie Air bags. But that’s not all! MonaVie has signed up your favorite Black Diamonds: Orrin and Laurie Woodward, Brig and Lita Hart, Robert Dean, Randy Schroeder, and many more, to provide their breaths into each and every package of MonaVie Air.

MonaVie Air Extractor modeled by Woodward

“To show their dedication to the MonaVie cause,” Larsen explains, “every distributor, upon reaching the lofty rank of Black Diamond, not only receives the Mercedes, the big check, but also a Black Diamond MonaVie Air Extractor. This machine collects their breaths, processes it, and stores it safely for future injection into MonaVie Air bags.” The photo to the right shows Orrin Woodward modeling the Black Diamond MonaVie Air Extractor.

Additionally, Dallin Larsen himself is providing a drop of his man sweat, taken from MonaVie Regionals and Super Regionals across the globe, in each bag.

MonaVie Air provides that which you need to survive in each $5/bag. The recommended daily usage is to breathe one bag in the morning and one bag right before bed. The essence of Larsen, combined with the wonderful breaths of Black Diamonds, coupled with the acai infused carbon dioxide, and, of course, oxygen, will power you through the day and night, allowing you and your family to reach their dreams.

“For many people, breathing MonaVie Air is as close they are ever going to get to being a Black Diamond,” proudly states Orrin Woodward. “In fact, I’ve made a deal with my good friend, Dallin Larsen, to include a coupon for one TEAM CD in every case of MonaVie Air. Distributors will be able to get a free CD of my latest sermon by returning the voucher to my compound in Port St. Lucie, Florida. Tax and shipping charges will apply, of course. After all, I have four kids to feed!”

MonaVie Air: Smell It, Breathe It, Share It.

MonaVie Air will be available April 1, 2010. Cost per bag for distributors is $5/bag. A case of 24 bags will cost $120. Suggested retail price per bag and case is $10 and $240 respectively. You can pre-order your case of MonaVie Air today. Warning, supplies will be limited, but your orders will eventually be fulfilled.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Candace permalink
    June 29, 2009 10:52 am

    At last, we can earn pv/bv for …wait for it…INHALING!!!
    This will be a particularly big hit with the 60’s generation. I just need to know the pv assigned to each bag, so I know how much inhaling I get to do this month…

    Fun post, Amthrax! ūüėé

  2. June 29, 2009 11:06 am

    They haven’t determined the PV/BV, but you can be assured that a case will be just under the minimum required to qualify for a bonus. After all, they wouldn’t want people to just buy MonaVie Air when they have all these other wonderful products to purchase!

  3. Joecool permalink
    June 29, 2009 12:34 pm

    Cool, so you can “earn” while you are sleeping. LOL

  4. mike permalink
    June 29, 2009 7:11 pm

    “MonaVie, it is as easy as breathing”

  5. Gina permalink
    June 29, 2009 9:12 pm

    hmmmm….just open up your mouth and breathe.
    What an inventive product…sign me up!!!

  6. Steve permalink
    August 25, 2009 7:38 pm

    Pretty good! I guess when you’re #1, everyone tries to knock you down, right? Good luck!

  7. Wil Possible permalink
    January 13, 2010 11:01 am

    This may require FDA approval… but it will be a nice product diversification. Too much juice… let’s get some air products.

    Great info. Thanks much!

  8. Burned Out With MV permalink
    January 13, 2010 12:20 pm

    But does it contain Viagra? Cure cancer? Make you run faster? Jump higher? Or walk on water?

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